Burn out: a typical tale

I’ve reached the point of burn out twice so far in my 45 years.

The first time, at age 35, was pure corporate warrior exhaustion, so I changed careers. The second time, at age 39, was emotional and spiritual exhaustion, and I got divorced.

Ten years on from that first burn out I’m faced with territory that is somewhat familiar.

Searching for a sense of purpose. Fighting to keep all the balls in the air for work, family and community commitments. Desperate to make the most of every single day, yet at the same time terrified that life is passing by too quickly and I am not using my time well. I simultaneously want to embrace everything life has to offer and hide under my doona until I feel it’s safe to come out.

For me, the burn out is like one long, slow, devastating panic attack. I can’t sleep, I can’t make decisions under pressure and for days on end my words won’t come out right, particularly in the face of even the mildest of conflicts. I’m overwhelmed by the multi-faceted fast pace of life and feel like I’m lost somewhere in the middle of it. My flight and freeze responses kick in. I become highly avoidant, particularly in relationships, and want to throw it all away and start over again. Any situation I don’t feel I can control becomes one I need to escape.

Burn out is a devious beast. It can stay hidden, undetected for long periods of time, manifesting as seemingly unrelated things like illness, weight gain or loss, extended working hours, less vacation time or a more active social life. When burn out comes to life, it’s often a spectacular show. Full scale meltdown (sometimes in public). Chronic or serious illness (sometimes fatal). Relationship breakdown (sometimes divorce). Epic mistakes (sometimes costing you a job, a friend or your health). However burn out starts showing up, it’s the final signpost on a treacherous road, warning its time to make a change before it’s too late.

I’m on the brink of burn out now. I’ve filled my life with so much responsibility, so many goals and so much drive, I feel like I have a backlog of unprocessed emotions, thoughts and experiences, I’m at risk of exploding.

This time, I don’t feel alone like I did in my 30s. Women and men around me, my age and older, are starting to make bold life decisions either as a result of burn out, or after narrowly escaping it.

Swift career changes. Small business start ups. Time off the grid. Starting a family. Relocating to the country.

People are reclaiming their time and their dreams from the clutches of corporate and social pressure.

Perhaps it was triggered by “the big pause” that commenced in early 2020 with the pandemic.

But whether lock downs and a global shift inward is responsible or not, this trend where people of a certain age are making bold life choices looks very much like its here to stay.

It used to be called a mid-life crisis, right? Hitting people in their 40s and 50s.

Guys would buy sportscars, leave their wives for younger women or take up golf.

Women would buy new clothes, more shoes, get a radical new hair style or leave their husbands.

Today it seems there’s no specific age where one day, living the life we always thought we wanted, the light bulb goes off and we ask “Isn’t there more to life than this?”

When you have the house, the marriage, the successful career, raising kids, the inner circle of friends and family, the charities to support that fills your cup, the world travels, and enough money to not want for much at all. Damn it, even your health is pretty good, given what you’ve put your body through!

And you’re still asking, “Isn’t there more to life than this?”

For many, this is where it will end. No changes will be made for fear of losing loved ones, money or status, for fear of being laughed at, left out or talked about. Life will go on, with the threat of burn out around the corner, kept at bay just enough that we don’t have to do anything radical.

For some though, this isn’t where it ends. It’s just the beginning. And this is where the living really happens. The changes don’t have to be big, although they can be. The changes just have to make your heart sing, to bring the love and joy into your life that you know deep down you deserve.

It might start with your job. Quitting it, changing the tasks you do or the team you’re in, or sticking with it. If your salaried job doesn’t fulfil your life purpose, perhaps a side hustle will.

It might be relationships. Having counselling or difficult conversations, re-prioritising time with loved ones. Leaving some friends or family behind.

It might start with just approaching each day with mindful intention. Getting up earlier to enjoy quality time before work. Watching less TV to instead read or connect with loved ones. Making time to prepare and eat nourishing food rather than fast food.

Burn out happens when we give up control of our life decisions that align with our life purpose. When we’re living for everyone else but ourselves, striving to achieve what we’ve been told is important (money, status, success, going with the flow, keeping other people happy).

Burn out melts away when we get in touch with what we really need to be happy and start making decisions aligned to that, saying “yes” and “no” from that place, rather than what others expect us to do, or what we’ve been told is the “nice” thing to do.

Burn out is dangerous, life threatening, toxic and heart breaking.

You deserve better and you know it.

Stop. Listen. Make a choice today to turn away from what burns out and turn towards what lights you up.