It’s a book that holds so much promise. Who wouldn’t want to know the recipe for “The Good Life and How to Live It”, particularly when the sub title is “Lessons from the World’s Longest Study on Happiness”?
It’s what most of us are seeking, isn’t it? Deep and enduring happiness.
Every day we’re told and sold what will bring us this fulfilling, joyous happiness, enabling us to live our best lives, to be the best versions of ourselves.
There are products and services promising to buy us more time, encouraging us to declutter and live a simple life, adopting the latest fads and trends promoted by influencers.
There are workplaces and educational institutions advocating to invest our time with them to find true meaning, purpose and value.
There are gurus, coaches and social media influencers with frameworks, formulas, meal plans and weight loss challenges with “before and after” stories promising a happier, longer and more fulfilling life if only we were healthier in our minds and bodies.
There’s absolutely nothing inherently wrong with any of that. In fact, I love a good meal plan and 30 day challenge to live my best life!
However, there’s a lot of it out there and The Good Life cuts through all the noise.
Here comes what might sound like a spoiler alert, but is truly the reason to read this book:
The frequency and the quality of our contact with other people are two major predictors of happiness
Robert Waldinger MD, Marc Shultz, PhD
The Good Life teaches us, through the world’s longest adult study, that relationships are the currency of happiness. You’ll learn to map your social universe, consider how each person you spend time with energises or depletes you and ponder whether you want to spend more or less time with each of those people and if you want to move the needle on being more energised or less depleted as a result of being with them.
It’s a simple yet profound notion, certainly not a new one, but one that often gets overlooked in this era of social media where we can easily pretend to ourselves that we’re connected to many people in meaningful ways.
The relationships you identify as most meaningful, even if the contact is infrequent, require an investment of your time and energy. Just like any valuable asset, they need upkeep or they can dwindle away and die.
Case in point: one of my oldest friends is Renae. We first met as room mates when we were about 18. Nowadays, we catch up in person about once a year and our phone, text and Facebook communication is sparse and infrequent. But whenever I talk to her or am with her, I feel so good about myself. I feel seen and heard, I can be honest, open and vulnerable, and I trust she loves me for who I am. Time apart doesn’t make us strangers and the contact we have is deep and rich so we always know what’s truly going on for each other.
The Good Life encompasses quality relationships with family, work colleagues and friends.
It talks through the seasons of life where relationships may go into hibernation, only to re-emerge later (or perhaps not), and the importance of maintaining friendships as we age, entering that last act of life.
It offers a model for conflict resolution, particularly with complex relationships such as with family members. The WISER model is about watching a situation unfold, stepping back and considering what’s really going on, exploring options for resolution, and once chosen and executed reflecting on what worked and what didn’t. I can certainly see that one coming in handy with our teenage and young adult kids!
There’s tons of science and research to back up the findings, including of course the 80 year Harvard Study of Adult Development itself, and snippets of responses from some of the study’s participants.
The participant stories really bring the book to life. They shine a light on men and women’s most intimate thoughts and reflections on their lives, yet they also feel like a mirror to our own lives because they are stories of our most basic human emotions, fears and needs. The burdens we carry from childhood. The misguided beliefs of our youth that we must become successful, wealthy, famous, important or some other measure of having “made it”. The study consists of people who bought in to that and people who don’t (and guess who are the ones that had long, happy, healthy lives?!)
There are so many “wow!” moments in this book because it validates what we already know to be true and what we crave in our most cherished relationships.
The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest (mentally and physically) at age 80
Robert Waldinger and Marc Shultz
The research from the Harvard study (supported by many other studies) proposes that the meaning of life is to have quality relationships with people. This is where healing happens, where beautiful things are created, where humanity is cultivated to make the world a better place through innovation and collaboration.
And the so-called real world will not discourage you from operating on your default settings, because the so-called real world of men and money and power hums merrily along in a pool of fear and anger and frustration and craving and worship of self. Our own present culture has harnessed these forces in ways that have yielded extraordinary wealth and comfort and personal freedom. The freedom all to be lords of our tiny skull-sized kingdoms, alone at the centre of all creation. This kind of freedom has much to recommend it. But of course there are all different kinds of freedom, and the kind that is most precious you will not hear much talk about much in the great outside world of wanting and achieving…. The really important kind of freedom involves attention and awareness and discipline, and being able truly to care about other people and to sacrifice for them over and over in myriad petty, unsexy ways every day.
David Foster Wallce Kenyon College commencement speech 2005
This is what I came to know as true as I reluctantly read the last few pages of The Good Life.
I want to work at relationships where I give attention and true love, care and compassion to other people in the smallest of ways. I want to see and hear my loved ones as much as I want to feel seen and heard by them.
Sure, I’ll maintain casual relationships that exist on superficial levels of common interest or convenience. We all need those relationships and they too can bring joy. The simple act of making eye contact and smiling at your barista, seeing a little bit of their world each day. Making small talk at the lunch room table or waiting in line for your lunch order.
It all matters. But deep relationships based on a shared commitment to grow, connect and love each other is the secret to living a long, successful and healthy life.
The Good Life is one of those few books I will read each year, or when I’m feeling disconnected, overwhelmed or convinced of my separateness to others.
I propose to you this book can be healing, inspiring, educational and comforting – it can be whatever you want it to be, but above all things it will convince you of the importance of nurturing the relationships that find their way into your social universe because these are the relationships that will change the world and lead you to fulfil your purpose in life.
the-well-club.com 