Love Well: Eight Dates

Drs John and Julie Gottman are the relationship gurus.

They claim that within 10 minutes of meeting a couple, they can predict with 94% accuracy whether they will stay together! This blew my mind, particularly because the Drs Gottman are scientists and psychologists and have dedicated their lives to helping couples do the work that will lead to a lasting, healthy love life and the proof is in their pudding – they follow this eight dates recipe themselves.

I first heard about the Drs Gottman from Oprah. A lot of what was revealed about successful relationships and committment to each other struck some very raw nerves in me in relation to my first marriage. I often found myself thinking I would have been much better prepared for that first marriage if I’d had Eight Dates as a tool to work through obstacles and challenges that were inevitably faced.

Eight Dates could sound like your typical self-help book promising long lasting happiness if only you’ll adopt their simple, practical research-based model.

Turns out, though, the Eight Dates model is simple, practical and based in solid research.

Before I share my experience with it (this isn’t just a book review, we actually did the dates!), let me give you the low down.

You commit with your partner to doing eight dates, probably one per week because there’s prep work involved. Each week covers a different topic:

• Trust and Committment
• Conflict
• Sex and intimacy
• Work and money
• Family
• Fun and adventure
• Spirituality and personal growth
• Dreams and goals

You don’t have to work through them in order, you might pick off one that’s easy, or address the most challenging first.

Each chapter explains the basis of the topic and provides examples from couples who have been through the Gottman’s “Love Lab” (a simulated home environment where couples talk, interact and discuss/argue whilst observed by the Gottmans and their team).

There will be exercises for you to do individually, including questions to reflect on and discuss when you meet up for your date. The questions often probe your childhood, what you experienced in your family growing up, how you developed certain values and attitudes toward the topic at hand.

There is intention for each date. Whether you’re doing it at home or someplace in the community such as a restaurant, sacred spot or somewhere fun, you’re encouraged to make the date special time where you honour each other and can have your discussions without interruption. The ground rules encourage listening to each other, resisting the urge to judge or problem solve and come at old conflicts or points of difference with a new perspective.

Each date concludes by making a committment to each other in line with that week’s topic. For instance, after your date addressing conflict, the committment you make is to accept each other completely, embrace your differences and make an effort when there is conflict to understand the other’s feelings and point of view on the issue.

I can tell you, these Eight Dates are no walk in the park!

The pre-reading and exercises can bring up unexpected anxiety, unwelcome thoughts and feelings. The discussions can unearth stories, beliefs and ideals that catch either or both of you by surprise. There is as much to learn about yourself in doing this work as there is your partner.

So how did my husband Craig and I go?

Well firstly, it helped that Craig was totally up for it. It’s not the first time I’ve come home after listening to a podcast and said “hey, I heard about this cool thing today, let’s give it a go!”. Having a partner that is prepared to navigate sensitive topics, have difficult conversations and get raw and vulnerable isn’t so much a pre-requisite for doing the Eight Dates but it definitely smooths the decks so when tough stuff does come up, there’s a safe space to air it.

We found making time for the pre-reading and exercises a challenge, and went into some dates more prepared than others. Also, we were doing it during COVID-19 lockdown so all our dates had to be at home, and with kids around every second week, so the environment wasn’t always conducive to a deep and meaningful conversation.

Regardless, we set time aside each week and worked our way through chronologically.

So what did we find?

• Although I think we already knew each other’s stories pretty well, the way our childhoods and parents have shaped us became abundantly clear particularly in the topics work/money, family and addressing conflict.
• I don’t openly share my beliefs as much as I thought, including my beliefs around my dreams for the future. And I learned I hadn’t actually ever asked Craig about his dreams before! This stuff just doesn’t come up in conversation!
• Having a partner that is prepared to do the work on themselves and creates a safe space for you to work on yourself is key to a healthy, loving relationship. We weren’t aligned on everything, but there was no topic that was taboo and nothing we couldn’t honestly answer.
• I want to repeat the Eight Dates every year. As we grow and change, I can imagine a time when a particular topic is more sticky or relevant for us, as our priorities in life evolve and our relationship is a reflection of that. My idea is to do this in the 2 months prior to our wedding anniversary annually.

So in summary, I think you’ll love this book and it could be a game changer for you (either way!) if:

• You’re at a point where your current relationship is about to go next level (ie moving in together, getting married, buying a house, starting a family);
• You’ve got one or more sticking points that keeps rearing its head – a topic that’s off limits, or an issue where one of you says “you always do that” or “I can never talk to you about this”;
• You’ve been together a long time and you’re living in assumption – you feel there’s nothing new to learn, you know your partner inside out and everything is just “fine”. It probably is fine, but perhaps there’s scope to reinvigorate;
• You’ve been together a long time and you feel your partner is a stranger to you – maybe the kids have just left home, or there’s been trauma, or some other life event that has created a chasm that seems too wide to cross. This is conversation kick-starter that might step by step bring you back closer together.

In summary, I’d love for anyone who’s committed to their love – or not sure that they are – to take a look at Eight Dates and consider whether now might be the right time to dig a bit deeper into the relationship.

Check out this short clip from Dr John Gottman himself – I hope it inspires you to try Eight Dates!