Brene Brown has said that a key pillar of her sobriety is no longer gossiping. When any of her friends or network start talking about another person and it smells anything like gossip, Brown removes herself, or calls them out on it.
At first, I didn’t understand what Brene meant. I thought sobriety was about drugs and alcohol. Then I learned sobriety is about freedom from addiction.
Sobriety refers to the physiological and psychological state of being unaffected by the presence of an intoxicant
And an intoxicant can be…anything that causes you to become excited, confused, less able to control what you do or say.
By this definition, intoxicants can be a deeply personal thing, anything outside those typical culprits drugs and alcohol.
Shopping. Work. Gambling. Gossip.
This broader understanding of addiction and it’s resolution sobriety got me thinking: can people be addicted to drama?
There are some people I love dearly that I fear are addicted to drama.
A heightened sense of what’s happening in the news. The smell of a fight in the air. Another person in need of a saviour. The risk of getting caught doing the wrong thing, be it big or small.
It manifests itself in unhealthy relationships – where there’s lots of drama, always something to be dealt with, an impending sense of a tragic ending.
It looks like disorganisation, rebellion, victimhood, ego tripping.
I’ve known other people addicted to drama whereby there was always some outrageous thing someone else had said about them or done to them, and they would mount a strong and convincing case as to why and how that person should be outed, ostracised, identified as no longer “one of us”.
Some of this sounds like school stuff, common behaviour among teenagers. Now we call it bullying.
The attention economy we are all living in doesn’t help.
But the behaviour can manifest as adults into a very real addiction to drama. If its paired with substance abuse, it’s very worrying. Whether the person is a functional addict, or unable to function in community at all, it’s a much misunderstood and probably undiagnosed tragedy with some pretty terrible outcomes for relationships.
So how do we avoid these addictions? How do we help others who might be at risk?
Knowing the signs is important, says expert Scott Lyons. People addicted to drama will often display these traits:
They feel a sense of urgency; they use exaggerated language; they need to be the centre of attention; they retell stories with unnecessary intensity; they focus on the negative aspects of other people’s lives; they are stuck in their own story and they feel a lack of control.
People with this addiction are often seductively fun to be around. There’s always stories to be told, and if you’re an introvert like me, it means noone is focussing on you or asking you to tell your story!
Lyons goes on to provide some tips on how to deal with drama including to reframe what’s being said, speak up on what you’re not open to hearing and distancing yourself from that relationship (for now).
Until I had awareness of the toxic effect of drama on my life, I was often surrounded by it and, I’m embarrassed to say, I was totally sucked into it.
But with awareness came a sense of responsibility and power.
Responsibility and power to surround myself with people who are aligned with my values, who are interested in me for me, not my salacious stories (as if I even had any!) and who spent more time building people up than tearing them down.
It’s not an easy path, removing relationships from your life, particularly where family and long standing friendships are involved.
It’s a good idea to seek professional help before, during and after navigating the reframing of boundaries and acceptable behaviour with loved ones, so you get the support you need along the way.
This is not something I am good at. But I’m working on it.
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