Love Well: Raising teens

I remember my Mum telling my eldest son about the love bubble. I was expecting his younger brother and Mum was explaining to this three year old how when the new baby arrived, there would still be enough love for him because the love bubble (mine, hers, his Dad’s, all of our loved ones’) would expand, with plenty of love to go around. So he wouldn’t be left wanting for love and affection.

I had big plans as a new Mum. These two precious little boys would want for nothing, would live up to their potential, living amazing lives, sharing their very special talents with the world.

And as one half of their loving parenting team, I had visions of myself as the trusted, adored matriarch, a go-to font of wisdom and guidance.

Now, don’t get me wrong, my boys, now both in their teens, are still the incredible humans I delivered in to the world, and are now on their own journeys discovering their place on our planet.

But I’m not the Mum I thought I’d be to them. In fact, this parenting journey is NOTHING like I anticipated it would be.

I didn’t anticipate that the dreams I had for them wouldn’t be the ones they’d want to follow.

I didn’t anticipate that teenage years would see them retreat to their rooms and their friends, no longer their chatty little selves, sharing every observation and life detail with me.

I mean, I never thought it would be PERFECT, but I honestly didn’t think it would be so HARD.

And that challenged my whole concept of how to show my love for my boys.

When there are less cuddles, and they won’t hold your hand.

When there is less talking time, and there’s no sharing of what’s happened through the day (victories, heart breaks, lessoned learned?? Grunts, shrugs and “Ok”‘s).

When there’s less excitement about birthday parties and Christmas, and they’re happy with cash or gift cards rather than well considered gifts and homemade cakes.

When they don’t need help getting dressed (or choosing what to wear), getting from place to place or making their lunches and God forbid they consult you about their hair cut.

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They came through you but not from you and though they are with you yet they belong not to you

Khalil Gibran

What does love look like then? If, as the above quote is to be believed, the children we deliver into this world are not owned by us, if we are more like their guardians until they can safely navigate the journey on their own???

I remember my dear friend Charlotte Thaarup from The Mindfulness Clinic talking about teens doing this constant dance between dependence and independence, which is where the struggles often happen with parents, and why teen behaviour can seem so erratic, and it put that Khalil Gibran poetic quote right into context for me.

Well, that’s all fine, but a Mama needs to express her love (and have her boys love her in return!), so how can we find a middle ground in this constantly evolving parental relationship (that actually never really ends!)??

So what now?

From my own experience, which includes many, many fails, here are some things I’m trying that might work for you and yours, to navigate this crazy time of parenting teenagers:

• Family rituals – my partner Craig and I have a standing lunch date with our boys every Sunday, so we keep ongoing, regular connection with them. With 6 boys between us, often they are not all there, but most the time most of them are there and it’s become a much appreciated, highly valued part of our week for the way it nurtures our ever changing relationships with them and, as time goes on, their partners.
• With my youngest, who’s with us every 2nd week, the first day he’s with us I do a debrief on the week past/week ahead so we have an opportunity to check in (and align calendars!). Sometimes I get grunts, or non-committal responses to my queries, but it’s the only way I have found to be somewhat successful in keeping us connected and current with each other.
• Find common joy – quality time may be in short supply, but if you can spend it on a shared interest, it amplifies. Whether it’s watching the footy, cooking desserts, a hobby like photography or playing pub trivia, common interests deepen the relationship and provide a regular point of connection.
• Tell them they matter – the impact of saying “I love you” of course cannot be overstated, but saying “you matter to me” can take it up a notch. It tells them “I see you”, and as humans that’s one of our deepest desires. When I tell my sons they matter to me, I literally see their chests puff out a bit, and it’s become a powerful piece of our family language that I hope stands the test of time
• Make memories – my Mum was big on making memories, acknowledging as they were happening “we’re making memories!”. Memory making captures the stories of your family, helps build our identities and creates bonds of shared experiences. Taking photos to capture those moments is now easier than ever, and my sons in particular get a kick out of me sending them the occasional photo of some of their more youthful days. (OK, I do it all the time and it probably annoys them, but I still think it adds to our ongoing bond building).
• Let them be themselves – mullet haircuts, interests in rap artists, video gamers not readers, piercings, tattoos… as they grow they develop their own unique styles, interests and passions that may not align with yours or what you’d hoped for them. But if you hold on to the image you had of them as a baby or 6 year old or 12 year old, you can’t fully love them for the young adult blossoming in front of your very eyes. And if you’re not careful… blink and you’ll miss it, they’ll be all grown up and flown the nest in no time.
• Self love first. You cannot love anyone unconditionally – even your kids – if you’re putting conditions on your own self love. We can be very tough, unfair and downright mean to ourselves as parents, highly critical, full of regrets and worries we’ve raised the devil. Get help if you’re struggling, be kind to yourself and remember you’ll always be the best parent your kids ever have.

Every parent knows that raising kids can be a thankless task, and is the most important job in the world. My dear friend Mel often reminds me we “lose” our kids between the ages of about 13-17 years, but “they come back!”.

So, dear readers, rest assured if you’re tearing your hair out with a troubled teen, or struggling to find a common interest or point of connection with a cave dwelling gamer, you’re not alone! All you can do is continue to love them, just as you did as screaming babies, tantrum throwing toddlers or 20 year olds wandering aimlessly, and let them know you will always be there to love, support and guide them, no matter what.

Thank you